I wish I could remember the exact date. It was sometime in early June of 2009. It was just an ordinary night, with my husband and I watching t.v. in bed before going to sleep. My 19 year daughter (the neglected middle child, as she calls herself), who was living at home at the time, showed up in our bedroom looking nervous. Her older sister, who didn't live with us anymore, was with her. I thought that was weird. I didn't expect my oldest daughter to stop by that night. I later learned that she was there for moral support. My daughter sat down in our bedroom and told us she needed to talk to us. By the way she was talking and acting I knew it was a serious matter. I didn't know that the words I was about to hear would change our family's life forever.
She rambled on for a little bit. I can't really remember what words came before, because the words "I'm pregnant" are all I really remember. My husband claims I gave an audible gasp. We both sat in silence for a moment, taking it in. I wanted to think I'd heard her wrong, but I knew I hadn't. I guess I shouldn't have been too shocked. I had been very worried about her and the way she was living her life for a long time. She was acting out, in the opposite way of how she had been taught and raised. She seemed to be taking risks and associating herself with questionable people. But even so, I was surprised. I guess I really never expected it to happen to her or to our family.
I could see how scared and worried she was. The next thing she told us was that she was going to place the baby for adoption. She said she'd already decided. I was actually proud of her at that moment, realizing that even though she had made mistakes, she was trying to be mature and responsible. The LDS church encourages young girls to choose adoption if marriage to the father is not an option, so of course I was supportive of that idea. My husband and I immediately told her we loved her, and that we would support her. There was no anger or yelling (as I think she expected). There was no reason to yell or punish. We knew that what she was going through would probably be the hardest trial of her life. I couldn't sleep that night thinking of everything my daughter was going to have to face now. I knew her life was never going to be the same. I was so scared for her.
For several days, maybe even weeks, I was feeling the affects of my daughter's announcement. I remember feeling like my whole body was heavy. I felt unfocused. I guess I was kind of in shock for a while. We started managing the "stuff" that needed to be done, not letting ourselves think too much about the adoption yet. We did things like making the OB appointment. She met with our bishop, who encouraged her to contact LDS Family Services. LDSFS is a church-run adoption agency and counceling center that matches birth moms with pre-screened, worthy Mormon families. LDSFS gave her and our family so much support during the pregancy. They offered counseling to my daughter, and assistance in finding an adoptive family. As the grandparent I was invited to attend group counseling as well. The advice of caring caseworkers, and the support other grandparents who were going through the same experiences, helped me cope better with any feelings of fear and doubt.
It turned out that my daughter was actually 4 months pregnant that night she told us. She had known for over 3 months and didn't dare tell us. She was so scared, and lost, and basically alone all that time. That makes my heart ache. But now that I knew, I wanted to make this tough thing as easy as possible for her.
From that moment on I was by her side every step of the way. Even though I seemed strong on the outside, I was very torn up on the inside. This was my very first grandchild. I had so looked forward to being a grandma. Now, my grandchild was going to be given to another family? In my heart I knew it was the right thing for both my daughter and for the baby, but I still struggled with my feelings. However, I never told these feelings to my daughter. I didn't want to influence her one way or the other. I knew it had to be her decision. My daughter was much stronger than me. She never doubted or wavered. She was so courageous. I did a lot of praying, and having faith in the Lord and his plan for this little girl. I felt his spirit comforting me, and helping me through my doubts and fears.
LDS Family Services was so supportive of my daughter and our family as she went through the process of finding a couple to adopt the baby. Months went by, and my daughter still had not been able to find a couple she felt good about. She had looked at hundreds of couples on the online profiles, but none of them seemed to “feel” right. As we were looking together one day, I saw again a couple that we had previously looked at. I was drawn to many things about them. I suggested that she email them. That email turned in to many emails back and forth, and finally a face-to-face meeting.
The couple flew to our state and met with my daughter, my husband, and me. We ended up spending a lot time with them that weekend. By the end of the weekend, after receiving one of many blessings given to her by her father, my daughter had a calm and happy feeling, and knew they were the couple that was supposed to raise her daughter. I knew that it was the spirit manifesting this knowledge to her. They will hereafter be known as "The Awesomes".
That night she told them that she wanted them to adopt her little girl. My whole family, including my husband and my other 4 children were there. The spirit was so strong, and there was not a dry eye in the room. All my fear, doubt and dread left me, and I had no doubt that our Heavenly Father had lead my daughter to this couple. I had no doubt that my granddaughter was supposed to be raised by this beautiful, wonderful couple.
In December 2009, my daughter gave birth to a perfect baby girl, whom I will call Angel. Forty-eight hours later, after spending every possible second in the hospital with her sweet baby, she signed the adoption papers and handed her into the loving arms of her new parents. My family and I shed many tears, but we never doubted that this was what Heavenly Father wanted for this baby.
Six months after placement, the court finalized the adoption and it was time to seal it all with our Heavenly Father. In the LDS church, we believe that families are sealed together for eternity in our temples. The Awesomes came with Angel to our state to attend the temple, and have her sealed to their family. We were so glad that they came here to do it! My husband and I were able to attend the temple sealing, and Mrs. Awesome gave me the privilege of taking a small part in it. It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful, spiritual day, confirming to me that this was where my granddaughter was always supposed to go, and this was the family who was supposed to raise her. You might think that it would have been a sad day for our family, losing our little one, but we didn't feel as if we were losing her. We knew she was where she should be, so finalizing it was actually a relief. Even though Angel is with another family, I know that our family will be blessed by our Heavenly Father because of the sacrifices and the decisions we made. I truly believe that Angel will always be a part of our family's life, here, and in the hereafter. Afterward, my whole family gathered outside the temple to take pictures together. One of those pictures now hangs in my living room, with the words "Families are Forever" above it.
Besides being the hardest thing I have ever gone through, this experience was also the most spiritual one of my life. I saw and felt the Lord's hand in the entire adoption process.
We are fortunate to have an wonderful, successful, open adoption. Since the adoption 3 1/2 years ago, we continue to stay close to the adoptive couple and to our granddaughter. We are one family. She even calls us Grandma and Grandpa. I mail her packages, and Skype with her. We visit them, and they come to our state to visit us.
I am so very proud of my daughter's courageous decision to give her daughter more than she could give her herself. She wanted her to have a mom AND a dad in a loving, stable home. She definitely has those things with The Awesomes. I feel so blessed to have gone through this difficult, but wonderful experience. I grew so much closer to my Heavenly Father, and learned to trust in his plan for my family.
I blog more about my experiences as a birth grandma in a separate blog. If you want to read more, here is the link:
The Birth Grandma Chronicles
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