My oldest daughter got married in May of 2010. She was such a beautiful bride, and it was a wonderful day for our family. If I could of picked her husband for her (which she never in a million years would have allowed) I would surely have picked SIL. He is the most gentle, kind, patient and caring person I have ever met, but most of all, he loves my daughter (thank goodness) in spite of her flaws and her difficult personality. But he is not a member of the Mormon church. Because I always dreamed of, and expected, my daughter to marry a good Mormon boy in the temple (more about that later), I was a little bit sad that her choices had led her away from her faith.
When SIL decided he wanted to ask my daughter to marry him, he nervously came to our house to ask my husband for our daughter's hand. It was a sweet, old-fashioned gesture that my husband really appreciated, because he still believes in such things. My daughter knew this, and told her soon-to-be hubby that he needed to do it. I think SIL would have done it anyway without a push, because he is just that kind of a guy.
So, he shows up at our house. He was a bundle of nerves. For some reason, all of my kid's friends and the people they date are afraid of my hubby. He's a big guy, and he doesn't smile a lot, even though he has a wicked sense of humor. He can be a little intimidating. Above all, he is very protective of his daughters. VERY protective. He often mentions to their dates that he has a shotgun and a shovel, and I don't always think it's a joke. He loves to grill the guys who come to our house to take his daughters out. He loves to watch them squirm. SIL knew him well already, and knew he might be in for an uncomfortable discussion.
When he sat down to talk to my hubby, and asked him if he could marry our daughter, he was surprised to receive such a favorable response. My hubby already knew he was the only guy on earth who could love her and put up with her. He also knew he would treat her like the princess she had always thought she was, for the rest of her life.
After they were done with their man talk, I was invited to come out. I had a few things to say to future SIL. I asked him: "Are you sure? Do you know how difficult she is? Are you sure you know her well enough? Do you realize what you're getting yourself into?" He answered all the questions with the right answers. Later when I told my daughter that I practically tried to talk him out of it, she said, "I knew you would, mom." She knows me, and she knows her difficult self.
After she was engaged, it was almost a year before they actually got married. Because she wasn't (and still isn't) active in the church, she chose to live with SIL for about 2 years. She had lived with a previous boyfriend as well (thank goodness that one didn't work out). It hurt me to watch her make these choices. I knew she knew better. But, she always knew I loved her, even if I didn't love her choices. Sometimes we had words about it, but mostly I didn't talk about it much with her because I knew it wouldn't help, and would only hurt our relationship. My relationship with my kids is everything. I can't ever help them to come back to what they know is right, if I don't have a good relationship with them.
When the wedding day finally arrived, I was determined not to dwell on any negative thoughts. I didn't let myself think about the fact that SIL was not a member of the church. I didn't think about the dreams I had always had of seeing her married in the temple (we believe that in the temple, couples can be sealed together for Time and all Eternity). I wanted to be happy on my daughter's wedding day.
Once, years before, I went to my nephew's wedding. He was a return missionary, but he was marrying a girl who was not an active member. They were getting married in a little white, non-denominational, chapel. Before the ceremony started, I went to the basement of the chapel to go to the bathroom, and found my sister-in-law, my nephew's mom, crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, through her tears, "It isn't supposed to be like this". I knew she was talking about her son marrying outside the temple, to a girl who wasn't a strong member of the church. On that day, I made a decision that I would never do that. I would be happy on my child's wedding day no matter what. I was determined not to cry in a basement.
My daughter's wedding was beautiful. She had it in a park that had a big gazebo. She chose 3 bright colors for her theme. We decorated the gazebo with lights and brightly colored scarves and colored tulle. She had bright bows on all the chairs, and bright, colorful tablecloths. I thought it was breathtaking. It made me so happy to look at it all when we finished decorating. The bishop married them right in front of the gazebo steps. I cried, but they were tears of joy.
Even though she had once stated that she didn't want her ceremony to be religious, or mention God (this was annoying to me) she finally decided to have our bishop perform the ceremony. A bishop is the leader of a congregation, but he is not paid to do his job. He is called for a few years (through inspiration from the spirit) to lead the congregation, then released and another bishop is called. She really liked our bishop, and I think she realized she'd rather have him do it than some strange justice of the peace or somebody like that. He made it clear that God would definitely be mentioned, and he would be saying lots of religious stuff, but she still decided to have him do it. He did a beautiful job in my opinion. God was definitely mentioned, and the words were inspiring and beautiful. I loved it.
It was a wonderful day, even though I doubt I've ever been that exhausted. I was exhausted, but happy. They have been married 3 years now, and SIL still treats her like she's made of gold, and they are so very happy and devoted to each other. I am glad I made the choice to enjoy the day, and be happy for my daughter and for our family, even though it wasn't all "perfect", it was beautiful and perfect for them, and for me.
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